Last
night I had a dream that Ross and I were back home at a Safeway with my sister
Ashley (for those of you who do not know Safeway is a grocery store – my second
favourite grocery store. Sorry not sorry I am a whole foods girl). We were grabbing a few things and talking
about how we couldn't believe it had been two years already. Then the cashier started talking to me and I
began to cry. Of course my sister was
concerned and inquired as to why I was so upset. I told her that it had been so long since I
had been in a store where I could communicate, and as much as it was a relief,
I was sad because I knew there would not be anyone asking me “Quieras bolsas?”
(Do you want bags?). I felt this longing
for something different then the place I felt so familiar and comfortable.
When
I woke up it took me a moment to realize that I was in fact in my bed in Spain
and that I still had a year before I would be in my safe and comfortable
environment buying groceries. And as
much as I thought I should be upset I actually had a wave of happiness wash
over me. This means I still have a year
of exploration and adventure ahead. It
means that I can continue to learn and grow and meet new people. It means as much as I miss my home, my
family, my friends, I am actually in a place mentally where I am realizing just
how much this experience means to me.
When
I was growing up I always knew I wanted to travel. I wanted nothing more than to see the world,
experience and learn as much as possible about everything. My dream was to work for National Geographic,
to write and photograph the strange and interesting places and people I would
encounter in the world. Clearly this is not
how life panned out for me.
I
never was able to travel when I was young, my family didn't have a lot of money
and by the time I had enough of my own I had developed a fairly debilitating
anxiety disorder so the thought of travelling was now scary to me. I still wanted to but didn't feel like it was
in the cards for me. I would always hear
about my friends trips, watch TV shows about travel and adventure and they seemed
so exciting and so exotic but something other people do. I wasn't the person who would ever go
anywhere; I would never see these things others saw.
Not my image but a favourite quote of mine
The
first time I even left Canada I was 27 and all I did was take a bus to New York
for a weekend (which was amazing). I
never even took a plane until I had moved out to Vancouver and had to fly back
to Ontario to visit my family. Once I
met Ross everything started to change.
We took trips all the time, nothing crazy but we travelled all around
BC, went into the States numerous times for road trips and camping, we have
driven from Vancouver to Barrie and from London Ontario to Vancouver via Route
66. We have done Vegas, the Grand
Canyon, San Francisco etc. It has been
so much fun the last few years with him.
Golden Gate Bridge San Francisco
When
the opportunity to move here to Spain arose it seemed like something we had to
do. As I have written about in other
posts, we had nothing tying us down so what better time to experience something
completely different. We are now coming
up on the one year mark since we left Vancouver (in 2 weeks) and a year since
we arrived here (April 24th).
It is no secret that this has been a difficult transition for me. I have had my share of smiles and tears,
incredible moments and terrible loneliness.
There have been days, mostly the first few months, that I wanted to just
pack my bags, tell Ross I was sorry but I just couldn't do it, and go
home. I know I came close but I never
said the words because once you say it you cant take it back. I knew we came here together and this wasn't easy for him either. So I have remained
here despite believing I could never be happy and I am so glad that I did.
As
challenging as this has been for me it has been an unbelievable experience that
I wouldn't trade for anything. No, Spain
is not my ideal place to spend my life and yes I miss Vancouver every single
day but I have seen things I never dreamed I would see and been to places I
only thought I would see in movies. I
have been to Fucking Paris! I know to a
lot of people that might not mean much because you have been fortunate enough
to travel a great deal in your life but for many of us who never thought we would
ever leave Barrie Ontario, or whatever towns we grew up in, it is mind blowing.
Again not my image but YES Audrey Yes!
These Vancouver sunsets though...
This
experience is giving me an understanding of the world that I did not possess
before. I am seeing that although this
world is huge and things seem so far away, it is entirely possible to travel
and explore them. I mean this planet is
big but within reach if you have the desire to branch out and take hold of the opportunities
presented to you. I am seeing how life
works in other places and learning first hand that books and school only teach
you so much. Experience is key. I am so grateful for this chance to do
something different and live a life I always dreamed of.
I bought myself this card many years ago and it still sits out so every day I can see it and know I am doing the right thing
I never wanted an ordinary life. The thought of never doing something different, something exciting has always been a huge source of my anxiety. Stagnation will be the death of me I am certain! People are always asking where I want to go next? And my answer is everywhere.
My forest home
My two loves Nature and Ross
I
always believed I belonged to nature and to the earth and the more of it I see
the more tightly I hold onto that belief.
Someday I will settle down and have a family somewhere (hopefully Vancouver) but right now I
want to enjoy every moment being somewhere outside of my comfort zone and to
continue to challenge myself and my ideas of the world. Not every moment will be amazing but that is
how I will grow and discover not only the world but myself.
Always growing, always evolving ... Zen
Nobody better to grow with...
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